So, today Frank and I discovered, through the magic of facebook, that one of his friends from church is separated from his wife and dating a former coworker. This guy has a few small children. The separation from his wife doesn’t seem to match up with the timing of some photos of this guy and new girl (read: the pictures are dated prior to the married couples’ separation). Of course, FK and I don’t know all the details. I don’t know why the wife filed for divorce or what the circumstances are surrounding their separation. Who knows? Maybe the wife had an affair first and left the guy for someone else.
But really, I just wonder why. Why do people choose to call it quits after several years of marriage and a few kids? Why does it get so hard? What is the point of no return? Was it a series of small things building up to the divorce? Because I met the guy and his (ex)wife at our church several times. They were a smiling, beautiful couple. The guy was on the verge of a temporary lay-off and he spoke confidently about getting through it. It all seemed ok on the surface, even though they were facing some tough financial times.
It makes me wonder why so that maybe I can look at my marriage and pinpoint these issues. If I see where someone else made a bad left turn, perhaps, I’ll turn right there instead. But then there is the truly scary question: what if it didn’t matter where the left or right turn was? What if the other person just decides the trip isn’t worth it and bugs out? What if an unforeseen series of events, out of my control, causes FK to choose to stop loving me? What if people can get themselves into a marriage on a series of poor decisions and then one day decide that the whole marriage from the get-go was doomed – and then walk away. “I was too young,” “We didn’t know what we were doing,” “I didn’t know myself then,” etc.
And that really makes me ask the question: what is love anyway? Sure, it is a choice. Is it a choice out of responsibility because of previous decisions? Is it a choice based on the future? Is it a choice based on now?
We make decisions in life based on the limited amount of information we have. We are limited in this information because of our own perspectives, curiousities, fears, hopes and dreams. Sure, hindesite is 20/20. There are things I would do differently about my wedding five years after the fact, but I am really blessed that the groom is not on that short list. I choose to love FK based on what I know about him, what I hope about him, what I believe about him and instinct. He makes it easy to love him, most of the time.
FK and I have truly been through a lot in the past two years. The past year in particular has been quite trying on both of us. And I don’t doubt our marriage. But sometimes, when I hear of these divorces, I wonder – why?
Frank's Beans 