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Posts Tagged ‘odd humor’

So… Frank is a Pilot.  This means he is gone for days and days.  It also means that we experience much of our relationship over the phone.

Example conversation:

Emily (E): Sooo, what else is new?

Frank (F): HMmmmmm.

Long pause.  You have to be ok with long pauses when carrying on a marriage via phone.  You have to give the other person a chance to “buffer”.  Buffering is when their brain catches up with their mouth.  The reason that their brain and mouth get out of sync is because they are playing Bejeweled Blitz online.  (Darn you, Mother, for showing us that game!)

E: Yeah?

F: So, yeah, well, I’m still listening to that zombie book on CD.

Background info: Frank has a love/hate relationship with zombies movies/stories.  While he hates, hates, HATES being scared, he can’t help himself when it comes to Zombies.  He’s like Bubba from Forest Gump, “There are zombies that run fast, zombies that run slow, zombies that swim, zombies that dance and zombies that can be frozen and thawed…” and an hour later, I’m drooling on myself, stabbing myself in the face with a pencil and wondering if I, myself, am a zombie…

E: aaaaaaahhhhhrrrrrggghhhh.

F: Whatever. So anyway, zombies –

E: No, that was me gagging at you.

F: Oh, so you weren’t making a zombie noise to scare me?

E: No!  I was groaning that we are STILL talking about zombies.

F: Well, cuz zombies make that moaning noise, so I thought you were trying to scare me.  Well anyway –

And he’s off and running on to his next part of the zombie adventure.  Something about under water zombies that getcha when you’re swimming.  Which, unbeknown to Frank, gives me a whole new arsenal of things I can terrify him with…

Not only is this a zombie, but it's also what I look like when I'm listening to Frank talk about zombies...

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So obviously I’ve been pretty sad lately (as in over the past few days).

But the Irish girl in me (about 1/4 to 1/8 of me… I’m a bit diluted) is fighting hard to find a joke in here.

I think about different conversations I have had or might have, and I try to work in a infertility  joke.

It’s not possible.

Infertility is the most unfunny topic ever.

And even when I think of something that sounds funny to me, I realize that if I say it out loud, I will put everyone else in a bad spot.  You can almost see the panic on peoples’ faces as they think: Laugh? Don’t laugh?  Is it funny?  I don’t know! I don’t know! HELP!

That’s not really fun for anyone.

I guess I’ll just have to honor the Belgian in me: chocolate and beer, please!

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Tonight I went to Dominick’s to pick up about 12 lbs of sweet potatoes, 20 oranges and an ovulation predictor kit.  Yeah, that’s right, an ovulation predictor kit.

Our Dominick’s hasn’t carried an OPK since August.  I’ve complained to them.  I’ve even encouraged them, “Surely this is a high margin product that takes  up relatively little shelf space.  And hey, I’m a sure thing – I will BUY the kits – promise!”

But nothing.

So tonight, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I decided to harass a poor, awkward 16 year old boy, who was probably counting down the minutes to going home and playing Rock Band or blowing 2 hours on YouTube videos.  We’ll call him Ed.  Ed was slowly facing the toothpaste aisle.

Me: Excuse me…

Ed: Yeah?

Me: Hi, do you have any more of the Clear Blue Easy Ovulation Predictor Kits in back?

Ed: Uh… yeah, uh, let me go check in the back.

Ed trudged off to the back room to probably pace back and forth for a while, kick a few large boxes and wonder what he did today to deserve to look for women’s feminine hygiene-type products.   He might have asked a manager back there about it, but probably not.

Then Ed shuffled back down the aisle to me.

Ed: uh, yeah… no… uh … none of those back there.

To Ed, wherever you are, one day you’re going to have to hold your wife’s purse in the mall and it won’t even phase you – you know why?  Cuz I made you go look for an Ovulation Predictor Kit.  Ed, your wife will thank me later 🙂

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