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Posts Tagged ‘attempt at humor’

We love, love, LOVE the Blackhawks.

And we are NOT fair weather fans.  We used to go when it was just us and the Wirtz family at the games.

And even though it was just us and them at the games, they never bothered to send a Christmas card.

Hrmph.

Anyway, since we love, love, LOVE the Blackhawks, there are a few things you should know about our familial obsession.

Thing One: Dance Like You Mean It!

Whenever the Hawks score a goal and the Chelsea Dagger goal music is played, Frank and I give eachother “high fives” and dance.

Yeah, that’s right.  We dance.

And I don’t care who knows about it.

When a goal is scored, you freaking stand up.  And dance.

Don’t fuss with me.

Thing Two:  NO TALKING (when the puck is on the ice)

When Frank and I were first dating, I reviewed some fun facts about hockey to prepare for our first hockey game date together.

And I shared this information with him liberally.

Unfortunately, I would only remember to tell him about the fun facts when the puck was on the ice.

Our relationship almost ended before it began because of my disrespect of the “NO TALKING” rule.

Thing Three: There is No Such Thing as Lady Like at a Hawks Game

If you ever attend a hockey game with me, you should prepare yourself.

I may seem like a nice person, but, figuratively speaking, the gloves come off when I go to Hawks game.

There isn’t a hit too hard (well, except for the Wisnewski hit on Seabs, but that’s a discussion for a different day) or a fight too wild.

I’ve been known to yell, on more than one occasion, “TAKE THE GLOVES OFF AND GET HIM! GET HIM!”

Does this concern Frank?

I don’t really know.

I’m too busy yelling to notice.

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I was just thinking today, outloud, about how far Frank and I have come since we were first married.

I’ve only really witnessed a few marriages up close and personal – my parents and my maternal grand parents.

And both were marriages were/are very fiery, passionate, yet humorous, pairings.

I guess they raised my tolerance level for my own marriage.  Which is good because, man, Frank really tested my limits.

And from time to time, I tested his…

Here are three things about our marriage:

Example 1.  The Shower.

When Frank and I were first married, he liked to test the boundaries (many of you who know me in real life know these stories – so you can feel free to skip ahead).

Frank thought it was quite novel that now that we were married, it was for LIFE.  And he liked to see exactly how long I would let him live.

His first test of the longevity of our union was simple: pour cold water on me over the top of the shower.  Awe-some.

Unfortunately for him, I got wise and I could hear him running the water in the kitchen and yell at him pre-emptively.

When that got old (which was rather quickly), he decided to go for the grand-daddy of all shower pranks: he threw cold water over the top, flushed the toilet and turned off the lights.

And he’s still alive today.

Example 2. The Bugs.

When I am stressed out, I dream about weird things.  When we were first married, I had a very stressful job and we had a bug infestation. Specifically, the bug infestation was a colony of earwigs.  You know, the ugly bugs with pinchers on them?  In one night, Frank killed 19 of them in our master bedroom.

It was nasty.

As a result, I would dream about bugs crawling on me and I would wake up at 4 a.m., turn on all the lights in our room and pull back the covers.

Thankfully, the only thing I found in the bed was a very confused husband staring back at me.

One night, as we were falling asleep, Frank gently brushed my leg with his finger, mimicking the sensation of a bug crawling on my thigh.

Squealing, I jumped out of bed, turned on the lights and pulled back the covers.  Frank grinned back at me, proud of his accomplishment.

“FINE!” I said, snatching my pillow off of the bed.  “I will sleep on the COUCH!”

Sidebar: If you know nothing about Frank, you should just know that he HATES being startled, especially by people jumping out at him. Continuing on with the story…

As I stormed down the hall, Frank realized that he went too far and followed me out to the family room.

What he didn’t know is that I ducked into the laundry room.

As he passed the dark laundry room on his way to the also dark family room, I jumped out at him, yelling.

Frank screamed.  I smiled.  We both went back to bed and eventually fell asleep.

Example 3. The Penny.

There are a few things that happen in our marriage that Frank and I are fully aware of, but we don’t say anything about them.  I can’t tell you about the most current examples of this because, well, Frank reads this blog and it would break the code of silence prematurely.

When we were first married, there was a penny on the floor of the kitchen.  I’m not sure how it got there, but when I noticed it I wondered if Frank would pick it up.

And Frank wondered if I would pick it up.

For months, we walked around this penny in the kitchen.  I even washed the floors around the penny.

We said not a word to each other about the penny.

One day Frank’s mom was visiting and she saw the penny and bent down to pick it up -but I stopped her.

“Oh, no, go ahead and leave that penny there.  I’m waiting to see if Frank will pick it up,” I explained.

She sort of cocked her head to one side and looked at me, puzzled.

She still does that.  Our marriage often causes people to pause and wonder.

And I don’t blame them.

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obsessions

today, in between plowing the driveway, cleaning up and doing laundry, I was obsessively watching a few shows.

first, i dabbled in some E! No, not the drug , but worse – the TV channel.

Why, oh why! do I love watching Kendra and the Kardashians?  They are all so self absorbed and uninteresting, and yet I can barely pull myself away from the car accident happening before my very eyes.

And then, as if it couldn’t get worse – I got sucked into HGTV’s suite of mind numbing TV shows.  And I must confess, I have looked around our living room a few times thinking about how I would change things.  Mmmm…  Maybe I should go to the grocery store and then stop at Ace and get some paint… wait… NO!!  Don’t do it…

Does anyone know how to install recessed lighting in  30 minutes or less?

Just curious…

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Tonight I went to Dominick’s to pick up about 12 lbs of sweet potatoes, 20 oranges and an ovulation predictor kit.  Yeah, that’s right, an ovulation predictor kit.

Our Dominick’s hasn’t carried an OPK since August.  I’ve complained to them.  I’ve even encouraged them, “Surely this is a high margin product that takes  up relatively little shelf space.  And hey, I’m a sure thing – I will BUY the kits – promise!”

But nothing.

So tonight, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I decided to harass a poor, awkward 16 year old boy, who was probably counting down the minutes to going home and playing Rock Band or blowing 2 hours on YouTube videos.  We’ll call him Ed.  Ed was slowly facing the toothpaste aisle.

Me: Excuse me…

Ed: Yeah?

Me: Hi, do you have any more of the Clear Blue Easy Ovulation Predictor Kits in back?

Ed: Uh… yeah, uh, let me go check in the back.

Ed trudged off to the back room to probably pace back and forth for a while, kick a few large boxes and wonder what he did today to deserve to look for women’s feminine hygiene-type products.   He might have asked a manager back there about it, but probably not.

Then Ed shuffled back down the aisle to me.

Ed: uh, yeah… no… uh … none of those back there.

To Ed, wherever you are, one day you’re going to have to hold your wife’s purse in the mall and it won’t even phase you – you know why?  Cuz I made you go look for an Ovulation Predictor Kit.  Ed, your wife will thank me later 🙂

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I have a walk of shame. Well, sadly, I have two.

My first walk of shame is from my desk to the beverage station. For those of you who have not heard my tales of woe from the beverage station–Leo Burnett/Starcom supplies all of their lovely employees with soda. All you can drink–for free!!! Who DOESN’T love that?? But unfortunately I have worn a path from my desk to the station and back. This walk has resulted in many a day where I bounce giddily in my seat and annoy my cubemate.

My second walk of shame is from my desk to the Admin. Assistant’s desk. This walk has little or nothing to do with the AA–and everything to do with the table in front of her desk. This glorious table occasionally features the leftovers from meetings–huge muffins, assorted cookies, yummy bagels, cookies, fruit, pizza–you name it!

This second walk of shame is becoming a problem. I didn’t realize HOW MUCH of a problem until the AA stopped by my desk on her way to the bathroom to let me know the Proctor and Gamble team had a meeting and the table was loaded with yummy treats. While I was slightly embarassed by my reputation, I was also grateful to be given such a prime opportunity to raid the goody table. If she didn’t tell me, who knows what delicious treats would have passed me by!

That, my friends, would have been the real shame.

Happy eatin’!

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