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Archive for September, 2009

hanging together

There are sooo many things going great in my life right now.

My marriage.  All this fertility biz could destroy our marriage, but instead it is helping to bring us together.  I feel like our marriage is stronger and better than ever.  I love my husband and I love our time together.

My job.  I love it.  I enjoy going to work.  I learn, I grow, I get to share my favorite things with people and help them grow and make a difference.

My friends & family.  I am enjoying my time with them.  I feel surrounded by them.  I love it.  I love being around for events.  I love seeing them all more frequently.  (but of course I miss my peeps in Milwaukee!)

And in so many ways, our life is so sweet.

But often I feel like I am standing in the shadow of the fertility issues.  Is this going to be ok?  Will this aching in my heart go away if this doesn’t work out?  And sometimes I can’t even dare to dream that this might work out.

It just seems so unlikely.

Yet I still pray for it.

If I am honest, I admit that it is getting harder and harder to imagine the end result: holding a baby in our arms in a hospital room.

It is just so unpopular to say, “I can’t see this working out.”

No one wants to hear that.  Most people want to say, “Think positively.”

I’ve thought positively, though.  I’ve prayed.  I’m not sure that I’ve done the full-on begging and pleading, but I sure have gotten close to it.

The fact of the matter is that we’re doing everything we can.  There is nothing else that we can do.  I’m taking vitamins every day. I’m taking my meds every day.

If this is going to happen, it is in God’s hands.

Last weekend’s message at Willow was centered around Jesus saying, “love your enemies.”

That really struck a chord with me because over the past year I have been thinking a lot about what love truly is.  I’ve determined that it is an action, a choice, and ultimately an interest in the greater good for the person that I love.  The interest in the greater good leads to self sacrifice.

How could I love an enemy? An enemy is someone who wants to defeat me. To love them would require action, a choice and seeking to do the best thing for that person.  Who does that for an enemy?

That’s why Pastor Hybel’s was so dead on when He said that the kind of love it takes when it comes to loving an enemy comes from God.  Only God could teach us that kind of love.  I know I couldn’t have thought of that myself.  Is it anyone’s natural instinct to love their enemies?

And then Jesus said, “pray for those who persecute you.”

Again, that kind of statement is transforms how I think – it changes the conversation.  Who prays for their persecutors?  You seek to destroy me and I pray that God shows mercy on you?

I realized, by the end of the message, that I am angry about this infertility thing.  I would love to love my enemy – but who is it?  Who do I love in this situation?  The nurse that forgot me in the waiting room after IUI?  She’s not an enemy.  She just forgot.

I would love to pray for my persecutor in this situation – but there is no one persecuting me.  No one is vindictively saying, “Emily, you can’t have a baby because I want you to be miserable.”

The message on Sunday was difficult for me.  How do I resolve this situation with the basic biology of my body?  WHO can I be angry at?

And it sort of hit me, as I’ve been thinking about it: since there wasn’t someone to be angry at, I had been punishing my body throughout this experience.  I’d been eating horribly, not exercising regularly and drinking a lot of Diet Coke.  I have no one to be angry with, so I’ve been angry at myself.

If love includes making the tough decisions for the betterment of the person you love, then I hadn’t been loving myself very much.

So tomorrow I am going to keep on this path to getting healthier.  I may not be perfect at it, but I owe myself that much.

After all, how am I supposed to love my neighbor as myself when I can’t even love me the right way?

There are so many uncertainties in life – and that is cool.  But there are a few things that I am sure of.

I am sure that I will look back at my life and see how God’s hand worked through all of these difficult times and good times.

I am certain that when I see all the pieces of the tapestry of my life hanging together, I will be even more in awe of my Creator.

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in case you were wondering…

I did go for my work out this morning.

In the middle of the work out, the fire alarm went off.

Not kidding.

So in my spandexy type capris pants and sweat soaked tee, I paraded myself outside, where I found – much to my horror and amazement – that there are actually quite a few people who work here in the morning.  Nice.

Then I went in to the locker room to take a shower.  I turned the dial all the way over to hot.  After several minutes was there warm steam rising out of my shower stall?  The answer to that question is: no.

Thinking it might warm up, I wet my hair and started to shiver.  I decided that I didn’t have any option except at least washing my hair.  It was horrific. 

I went to the other shower stall to see if there was warm water there – nothing. 

After toweling off and getting dressed, I thought I would enjoy the one warm thing I could enjoy: my hair dryer.

I plugged the hairdryer into the ONE and ONLY outlet in the locker room and… nothing.  Nada. Zip.

It was a GFI outlet, so I hit the “test” and “reset” buttons multiple times.

NOTHING.

So with a wet head, I packed up my belongings and brought my hair dryer to the bathroom near my office where I was at least able to get my head mostly dry.

I am laughing about this because it’s all so ridiculous.  And really, I can’t complain too much about a free gym at work.  Sure, there are a few kinks that need to be straightened out, but if that’s the worst thing that happens today, then that’s not too bad!

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So, today I kept to my points (for Weightwatchers) and went for a very strenuous brisk walk on the treadmill.  Tomorrow I might try to go into work early so that I can go for a walk on the treadmill and maybe do some free weights.  We have two treadmills and a full locker room (with showers) at work, so this might actually work.

And I have to say, I was pretty happy today.

I got a LOT of work done today, just really booked through it.  I have a pretty fun meeting tomorrow after work, so I am looking forward to that.

God is so good.

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Well, you may or may not have noticed a new tab at the top of this page titled “organicalicious”.  As part of my new journey into organica, I thought I would keep tabs on all of the wonderful information that my aunt shared with me today as well as everything I am researching.

I don’t think that this will be a 100% switch, but we are definitely going to explore changing a few key items.  We’ve already switched to organic milk.

Baby steps.

Please share any links, information, ideas, learnings, etc!

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i’ve had enough.

I am done.

I am tired of not being in control of my hormones and my body and my life.  And it’s not about control, either.  Control is the wrong word.
I am not disciplined.  In this whole battle, I’ve caved on discipline.

I am not in the Word as regularly as I should.

I am not watching what I eat as carefully as I need to.

I am not working out daily.

I am not prioritizing my own time and when I do, I veg.

No. More.

I can’t control pretty much anything.  But I can be more disciplined.

PS. I  start progesterone treatment tomorrow, so if you are in the area, now is a good time for vacation!

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if this happened to you…

what would you do?

So heartbreakingly crazy.

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all sane and logical…
I want to tear it off the wall!

This morning we went in for the IUI.  Well, Frank went in first.  Then I showed up about an hour later.

Before we began the procedure, the doctor let us know that our odds, because of some of my weird test results, are about half of what a normal couple’s odds are with IUI.  And those odds are pretty slim to begin with anyway.

Hey, it’s a lot better than what we would have had on our own.  I won’t turn my nose up at any chance.  I will embrace it and hope that I am on the good side of those odds.

The procedure was quick and pretty painless.  Just a little bit of cramping and then we sat and waited and prayed. 

And then Frank tried to take his forehead’s blood pressure and check my heart rate with the stethoscope.

The only thing that stopped him from following through was that I reminded him that the stethoscope had been in other people’s ears.

Moving on.

We won’t know for quite some time whether or not this worked.  I take great comfort in knowing a few very important things:

  1. God is sovereign over all things.  This means my life is under His authority.  He has control of this situation – all of this is in His hands.
  2. God has a plan.  It may not be my plan, but it is a plan.  And that plan is to give us hope and a future.  It may not be the way I want it, but it will be the right way.
  3. My husband is awesome.  He is a tremendous partner and friend.  But – I swear to you Frank – if you don’t put away the exam light that is attached to the exam table, I will make you sit outside in the lobby.  Ok?

So that’s it.  Praise God that we’ve made it this far!  Praise Him that we are not out of options! 

And now we wait and hope and pray.

Tick. Tock.  Tick.  Tock.

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